(Note: This diary will switch from daily notes to subjects over a time frame. This chapter is over a six-day time frame.)
This is a new month. I got up early to do some fishing. When Choc came by the dock to pick up some people to take to Belize City, he gave Tony two letters for me from home. They were from Alea and Danetta, good letters from the children. I tried to fish, but nothing was biting, so I stopped and took an hour or so to write them a few letters. I also wrote a letter to Kalili to get his hopes up and get some business done. I went to the small post office, which was really a house, and the man who lives there makes Jewelry. I’ll have to take a closer look some other time.
I went to the lady’s house next to the soccer field and bought some cinnamon buns and bread. They were very good, and I gave one to Tony, and he liked it very much. He looks kind of lost without Maria around or anybody else. He has sort of taken me in as part of the family. I have been here long enough. I miss Maria too; no one to take my attention all day. I lay around, made some notes on business, and took the usual swim.
The couple who came with me on the boat is leaving for Guatemala; they will return. When we were out swimming at the reef the other day, the white couple saw a small turtle, caught it, brought it back, took pictures, and then let it go. After they did that, they didn’t know what to do with it, so they let it go on the beach in front of the house. The turtle became disoriented and couldn’t get back to the reef; it just swam around the dock. A boy on the beach caught the turtle, was going to kill it and sell it in Belize City, and could make some money by selling the shell in town. Some of the islanders were upset because they knew this would happen if these people didn’t upset the balance of nature. It was what you see all the time in the US. People of an arrogant nature destroy it by their ignorance.
The girl felt bad and went to her room. The guy kept trying to justify catching it by saying that if he didn’t, someone else would. This was a typical other person’s attitude. I really believe that Tony was just telling them about the islanders to funk with them.
I got up early to go fishing, and what happened I thought would happen. Some animal in the night got the bait I had saved. The couple who came on the boat with me left this morning. Tony and I talked about them, and we both had the same impression. All white tourists like them are the same, “backpacking through Central America”, and in every group there is one who plays the flute on the dock. They are always trying to find their lost nature. I spent most of the day just lying around. I got a good letter from Ma. I walked around for a while, swam, and meditated. I have to do more meditation here; I have the environment for it. There was not much else going on. This morning I walked down by West’s place, and there was a dead shark on the beach. That place is not going to make it; there are too many sand flies, and it is a waste of good land to the local people. Tomorrow is Saturday, the big day. Tony said he told her to stay as long as she wanted. I’ll see how she feels when she returns, if she returns on time.
A good day as usual. I was up early and decided to take a walk on the pier to watch the sun come up. There was a man on the pier fishing, an old fisherman whom I saw out early catching fish. He sold them to the local restaurants that serve tourists. I was just watching him and the sun rise, and decided to do some fishing myself. I brought a few sardines to fish with and started, but there was no luck; he kept catching, and I wasn’t doing anything. So, I decided to go to the back pier to try my luck. I caught four big ones, brought them back, cleaned them, and had them ready to eat for lunch. It was something unexpected about fishing. There seems to be a philosophy to it. It seems that you had to have a relationship with the sea to be successful.
Maria came back from Belize City, and Tony had just cooked them up. We had a feast of red snapper and tomatillos. We sat around and had a conversation, and I lay around. Later on, I walked out on the pier to watch the sun go down. Maria came out, and we had a little talk. Interesting and not what I expected. She seems to be getting friendly. I’ll play it as it goes. Other thing today, swam some, walked around, had a few beers at Martines, and watched the funeral of Gandhi, which was strange to watch from Belize.
A usual day. Up early this morning. Lay around and took it easy. Went in and did some thinking. Maria had been friendly all day. Had to find out what was going on. So when we were just lying around in the hammocks, I cracked to see what it would look like. Nothing happened. A total miss misinterpretation of what was happening.
I finally got the nerve to tell her how I was feeling about her. It was not a major move to a relationship, but a typical rap to get closer, as you might do in the US. She took it as if she knew it was coming. She said a line that let me know that this type of thing happens all the time. By operating a tourist hotel, she had become accustomed to men’s advances and knew how to handle them well. It did kind of piss me off.
“Tourist funk up everything.” The situation has changed, and it’s time to take the next move. It would have been nice, though. I guess I’ll regroup and see what I will do now. There are more than two situations in my life that I have to get under control.
Last night I spent the night in the hammock on the beach. It was nice, and I might have to do it again tonight. This was a slow day, and I just lay around and did the usual: swam and walked around. Talked to Maria today, an unusual person. I can’t figure out where she’s coming from. Maybe I don’t need to know. Called Bobby tonight, and he said he was coming on the 16th. I’ll hang around and kill some time until then. Let’s see what happens. Just about what I expected. I lay around in the hammock and talked to Tony. Maria went to a village council meeting. She came back, and Tony had gone to bed. We sat around and talked for a while. I’m still trying to interpret where she’s coming from. Just have to take it by ear.
I was up this morning to go to Belize City. Maria went in to stay until the boat went back. While in Belize City, I stopped by the Bliss Inn and talked to Ramon. He said he wanted to take me down to Stan Creek to see a shrimp project may take him up on it later. While in Belize City, I stopped by the library and looked up information on Belize’s history and the American Civil War. It was interesting information, and I will have to do some more research later. I was unimpressed by the collections. It was very limited, very old books with little information. I thought about how uninformed people here are about history and other information, but then I realized that libraries mostly reflect Western ideology. People have lived and known their history through their daily lives.
I helped Choc bring some things back to the island on the way back. When we were out, I saw him at Martins later. He said he was going to San Pedro at the end of the week and said if I wanted to go. I will want to see anyway. Did the usual things, later swam, meditated, etc.
Up as usual to give Choc my letters to mail. Spent the rest of the day just lying around. Not much else is happening, swam, walked, etc. At this point, life was becoming routine. A group of backpackers arrived. Last night and today, I got to see what a tourist is. A lot of shit. I see now what Maria was talking about when I cracked. It’s like she had been raped. All the stuff tourists do and talk about would dishearten anybody. By listening to and watching the tourist, I learned why Maria was so skeptical. She had the attitude of a rape victim, a person watching to get close but wary of people because of how they approached her. As I think about how she may have had a bad experience with males.
I can’t live like this, putting up with tourists all the time. Today they went on a reef trip. I stayed here and watched the place. Talked to the old man (Toney’s stepfather) and did some fishing. Watched a landing craft come in on the real pier. It ran into the pier, too bad I didn’t have my camera. Took a swim and did some writing. Nothing much else is happening. I’m about ready to take another trip. I think maybe Guatemala and down south, and then back to the Cay.
Sleep kind of late this morning. I was up at daylight, but it started to rain, so I retired. I spent the day talking to the tourists who are here, backpackers from Europe and the US. I took one US tourist (a guitar player) from California and the other from New England on a tour of the island; we took them down to the uninhabited end of the island. I went fishing and caught a barracuda, my first, and a small one, and cooked it over an open fire, and it was very good. I didn’t swim today for the first time. I’m beginning to run out of money, and I have to start economizing. When Bob comes, I’ll have to start an economic plan.